a.cOmmutEr

 

the worst day came.. he's not anymore interested. It rained heavy that day and cried with me. My instincts were right, but i refused to see it then.. convince myself i was doing it because i loved him. For a time, I found myself down and didnt want to do anything, eat, bathe or move from my still position., like crazy idle. But i was amazed at how clear and blue the sky was, the next day after. Somehow i felt that i was going to be okay that my tears made me ready to welcome good things.. Finally, i know i deserve better.

Just give it to me quick. Are you coming home? Don't dance around it. I need to hear this. I chose you long ago.. Have you chosen me yet? Now please don't take this wrong, you know I want you. But don't think I won't move on. 'Cause I'm starting to wear thin, find it harder to forgive. Every time you let us slip down your list of priorities..

You once whispered words to me.. Wondering if anybody loved each other like we do..

I'm waiting for you to finally say you are here and here to stay.. But darling, if you know that it's through. You can't keep doing what you do. Is it time to let go of you?

time to let go of you..

I'm over you somehow. Only love knows how.
I have the strength to move on again..
The more you put me down. Cause love knows how.
It gave me the strength to move on..

Spent so many days wondering what's my chances. I never thought I'd be alone.
When all I really needed was answers. For the love that you've given to me. I was in need. Where we are where we're at. Boy I could not see. Every night. That I cry. I needed you here by my side. But now I'm over you. Had to use my mind. Couldn't use my heart. I didn't wanna see us apart. This vision is so clear to me. That we were not meant to be..

Life goes on until the new beginning. Set me free from all of these feelings
Now I can see that love's no guarantee. That's why I hold it all inside of me..

--------------------------------
by braxtons.


Since you do not have a multiply or a facebook account, I can write my feelings
and not let you know about it. I'm still thinking of what you said the night we hold hands.
We made that evening crazy.. You are a flirt. I fall for such a bait. I acted flirt too..
There are a lot of things that you don't know about me yet though. 
I dont hold a guys hand in public.. You were my first. 

I like you a lot.
 
i already laid down options for you to take, but you just let me go. 
And you are such a jerk.



i wont let myself be bothered by you anymore. bye.

i don’t update my blogspot syt that often anymore. im a blogger first, it was my baby back then.. back in the days where i was really hook to beautify it, back where i coherently teach myself up to learn basics of html tru blog stalking.. i miss those days. As i browse my archives back then (took me about 8 passwords errors just to log in), i learned how lame then my entries are.. (now even hehe). I switch to multiply bcos it caters to more updated environment on net, one that doesn’t prompt errors only Bill Gates understands.. unlike blogger that just screws up my entries.

now, it still the same errors kept on prompting! did blooger ever tried to fix it? i want to restore my old entries back! i dont have anymore time figuring these stuffs. Whatever free time I have right now is reserved for my too soon review class.. hayst. whatever. so furious.

—————————————-

anyways, its better with an explorer.
try to look at it.

ncline.blosgspot

 

no. it was evening. late dark sky.

something was on my mind. i had been thinking of it a lot lately and before i knew what i was doing, i spoiled the quiet moment and blurted out, "Panu nga kung naging tayo..?". It was him originally keep on asking me that question somewhere between that day earlier. i didnt reply to any. I struggle to laugh hard soon after, to again put on my mask. It was easy to be very unplanned. Im such a pro and I hate it.. He then laugh with me. We laughed uncontrollably for minute on end.

After laughing particularly hard, a silence settled over the two of us. Neither of us felt the urge to say anything. Nothing needed to be said though. And it was way off better.

silence still. I was having a hard time looking at him. So i kept my eyes on the path in front of me instead. "Bye." I felt like a little part of me was broken inside saying that word (or was I the one who said it? cant remember..), as our fingers brushed, entwined and at the last moment decided to let go..

Watcing him go, I couldnt help but feel like I was losing him at that very moment..forever. As he take his ride home and disappeard from my sight. I told myself again that no one ever said it would be easy. No one ever said it would be this hard.

seeing him that night, I tried to memorize every detail about him.. Thinking maybe one day, I would forget. And that would be the day I'll know I had trully lost him. Or maybe, just maybe..

like what in the line from the movie vanilla sky said:

"maybe in another life when we are both cats.."

I can be braver. and where we can both be..

Eto ang pamagat n naabutan ko s isang patalastas, 'sine totoo'.. unang naisip ko? "ang saya! gusto ko ganon ako!". Alam kong ngayon naiisip mo na napakababaw at marahil walang kwenta sa pagiisip nito..,pero naiba ito nang mapanood ko..

Tungkol eto sa pagkakabilang (nanaman) natin sa pagkakaron ng mataas na rate ng malnutrition sa ating bansa, masaklap pumapangalawa na pala tayo.. Sinadya ko talagang hintayin ang skedyul ng pageere nito kahit halos hatinggabi na nang magsimula ito. Personal na naging interesado ako, lalo na sa pamagat nito.

Ilang buwan na nga ba nang simulan ko ang seryosong pagdidiyeta?, hindi pa kasama don ang mga taong' panaka-nakang pagsubok ngunit nauuwi lamang lagi sa panimula. Ang totoo may ilang buwan ng hindi ako kumakain sa nakagawian, iniwasan ang pagkain ng kanin, kahit anung klaseng lutong karne, hindi rin.. oatmeal sa umaga, oatmeal uli sa gabi.. napipilitan lang siguro akong kumain kapag may natirang pagkain samin na hindi naubos dahil sa panghihiniyang sa baka masira lang, kasunod non ay ang pasisising pakiramdam hanggang kinabukasan sa pagiisip na kumain nanaman ako..lahat na ata ng paraan nagawa ko na, ang paginom lamang ng c2 sa tanghali, yakult o herbal tea na nakakapagpapayat daw. Araw-araw, nilalabanan ko ang natural na pag-ibig na meron ako para sa mga pagkaing paborito ko.., itinakwil ang sarap dulo't ng mga calories nito. Mas pinaggastusan ko pa nga siguro ang pageeksperimento ng mga paran para pumayat kesa sa noo'y aking pagkatakam.

Naiisip ko ang mga eto ngayon pagkatapos ko matunghayan ang dokumentaryong nasa aking pamagat. Hindi ko eto pinagmamalaki, ngayon mas ikinahihiya ko na. Na habang abala ko sa pagiisip ng mga eto, heto't marami ang nakakaranas ng malnutrisyon.. Kung tutuusin, kaparehas ko din pala sila; may parehas na sistema, magkaibang problema.

Hindi normal na kumakain.. sa parte ko para magpapayat, samantalang dala naman ng kahirapan sa parte nila.. Ang hindi ko pagkain ng kanin, sa kanila nama'y tanging pagkain na para sa maghapon na pagsasaluhan pa ng sampung tiyan.. Na habang panay takwil ko sa mga pagkaing nasa aking harapan, ganon din naman ang pilit paglaklak nila ng hangin para umagahan.. Na habang patuloy ang pagtangis ko sa lalong bumababa ko pang timbang, ganon din naman ang pilit paglaban nila sa sikmurang kumakalam..

"..sadyang nakakalungkot isipin na sa isang bansang mayaman sa kalikasan, puno ng yamang dagat, magagandang tanawin..at kung saan uso din ang pagpapapayat, diet at liposuction.., marami parin ang nagugutom.."

 

"Talking to myself and feeling old..
Sometimes Id like to quit, Nothing ever seems to fit..
Hangin around, nothing to do but frown,
Rainy days and mondays always get me down..

What Ive got they used to call the blues..
Nothing is really wrong, Feeling like I dont belong..
Walking around some kind of lonely clown,
Rainy days and mondays always get me down.."

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i hate rainy days and most mondays..

today is Monday. and i havent done any interests me yet, as i tried to fish out some excess thoughts in me, the realization of todays being monday bump in. mondays, give me the feeling of 'there has to do something' guilt, like, its a deal of starting your week right but in my case, ending up not accomplishing any..

as i stared to the blank walls and ceiling of my room, i felt suddenly empty and sad. "when did i start hating mondays anyway?" i silently ask myself. "just today.." my inner voice followed. when this particular song from the 'carpenters' cross my mind, it just concluded the reason why i have this inner debate in me especially on mondays..

'Rainy days and Mondays always get me down..' 

dec.12

21 na ako..